I'm adjusting

Since I last wrote, I have really started to adjust a lot.  My anxiety level has come down.  I see the road ahead of me is going to be long, but I know that with God's help I can deal with it.

The thing that struck me suddenly was that I was looking at the magnitude of the whole thing.  And it is going to be very serious.  Just to explain a little, and I won't get into a lot, John's hospital stay will most likely be 30 - 90 days, and then a year's recuperation at home. 

The first three to four weeks at the hospital seem rough to me.  I feel bad for John for what he is going to have to go through.  I have been told that he will be so sick (and I will not go into all the details here, I will spare you all the medical ones) that he won't be able to sit up in bed for more than a few minutes, won't be able to concentrate to read, and probably won't even be able to watch television.  There may also be hallucinations that will come because of medication.  That is all I will say about it for now.

In some ways, when he is released to go home, it may be even harder on me according to what I have heard.  Because I will have full care for him.  He will have a chest port in, which I will have to make sure doesn't get infected.  There will be other medical things going on, but again, I will spare you all the details.  I probably have said too much already, lol.

So this is why I was a little anxious.  Actually, I wasn't concerned about myself, I was concerned about him.  But I am just sharing with you all a little of what I am going to go through.  Because you all are who I have to share with.  And I am more than grateful for that.  You will never know. 

You all will never know how grateful I am to have you to share with.  Since John got diagnosed, most of my friends have left me.  And his have left him.  Our families have stayed, but not friends.  I have discussed this with people in the Bone Marrow Marrow Transplant (BMT) chat room (see link under Favorite Sites if you ever want to visit!) and they said friends you have had for years often leave when you or your loved one gets cancer.  It is because they don't know what to say.  Then you pick up new friends.  People who you never thought would be there.  Well, I want to thank you all for being my new friends.  Thank you all for being support.  And most of all thank you for being there for John, and for sending him cards.  It means more to him and to me than I will ever be able to express to you. 

So perhaps you want to know how John is feeling.  Boy I am jumping around from topic to topic.  He hasn't been doing too well lately.  He is sleeping a lot of hours, is always fatigued, is almost always nauseated, and has constant headaches.  I thought with the headaches he was catching something, but I just read an article about an hour ago that headaches are a symptom of MDS.  I didn't know that.  He will have to tell Dr. Claxton on the 20th how bad they are.

Well that is about it for now.  Take care everyone and have a great day.  I will have a good day by taking one step at a time.  All is fine and we can do this.  Krissy :)